I'm only writing this because I'm pretty sure you can still read it and I am assuming you will. I hope you will. Since you refused to speak to me personally, I guess this is the next best thing.

I've been miserable. It's hard for me to believe that you don't care about me in any capacity any more. I never thought you would be so fucking cold to me ever. I know that I said I couldn't find a good reason to talk to you anymore. Honestly, I haven't felt right since. I still care about you more than anyone. You're not just some friend that I sort of know and have a half assed relationship with. I want to know how you're doing. I want to know if you're okay or not. It makes me sick being so distant.

But mostly I'm totally lost as to where you stand on this. It's bullshit that I have to wonder about why you got so damn upset. If anyone should have the right to be upset it is me. After all the shit I put up with you. All I tried to do was help. Then you show up at my school, can't even come say hi and tell me later that you don't care. I mean, were you surprised that I got so angry? Maybe it was too harsh. I don't know. Maybe you were just looking for a chance to finally push yourself far enough away from me. Even if that is the reason, at this point, at the very least, just fucking tell me that. Don't put me in this fucking situation. I just want clarity. That is it.

sometimes i seriously question my appeal to the opposite sex

god dammit. what the fuck happened?

If I could, I would shrink myself
and sink through your skin to your blood cells.
Remove whatever makes you hurt.
But I am too weak to be your cure.

You know that I am always here for you. I told you as soon as this started. That has not changed, and it will not change. What ever it is that you need I will try as hard as I can to provide that for you, despite how it might affect me. Just fucking ask me. If you need someone to just hold you, or just to be around, anything so you don't feel so fucking alone and isolated. That's what I'm here for okay. Stop worrying about what the consequences might be. If there's a chance it will help, even a little bit why would you keep yourself from that?

disembodied mumblings.
passion lost through miles of phone lines.
i am loose change tossed into a well containing no water
or a fountain that now only spews dust.
you're still talking and i feel nothing.
i talk back and say everything.
you hear silence,
interrupted by the soft, warm, crackling and popping.
you ask "what are those sounds?"

"well, that's the distance between you and me"

please, take it easy dear.
you've been bent out of shape for years.
please, just take it easy.

And I hope our candles flicker and die so that our hearts don't burn to the ground, down, down, just like Randy's house.

I just want you to be okay

There are so many theories of existence. I don't believe in adhering to any one set of beliefs. There are some that I choose to ignore. There are others in which I choose bits and pieces from and construct(or at least attempt to construct)my own philosophy. Currently the existentialists have a significant presence in my thought. So far it's the only philosophy that I can understand(no, I do not say this because I watched I heart huckabees once or twice, that movie isn't actually that related to existentialism). I really like the idea of humans having complete responsibility for themselves. No one can make excuses about being born an artist, or anything for that matter. To paraphrase Sarte, you are your own human project. It's depressing to know that the coward had a choice not to be cowardly

There is no reason for me to be so upset. Something terrible happened, but I know that it could have ended much more horribly. I really should be happy(and there's no doubt that I am) that we're still the best of friends that two people could be after all of this bullshit. It's very strange and I think it's because we are both very insane. That's the best explanation I have. We're both nervous wrecks with terrible luck and a strong hatred for having to exist in such a miserable society. No one will ever understand me as completely as she does. I'm sure of that. I'll say it again, I really don't think I'd want to live very much if she wasn't around.

You've destroyed me. All of my thoughts are distorted by the image I have of you and what I believe you are. I am a grovelling peasant at the foot of a marvelous statue carved in the likeness of some goddess. You will read this and weep to yourself, thinking that this is your fault. It's only mine. I'm the fool who's boxed himself into his own head and mistook it for reality.
We both dread our future. You know very well that neither of us can ever burn the bridges we've made to each other, nor do we want to. This is why we're doomed to live this fucking life of uncertainty and fear. I don't even care anymore. I've given you everything. There's nothing left for anyone else. I'm nothing to me. It's all been given to you. I'm so sorry. I've put such a burden on you and I don't expect it to ever be gone completely. We've destroyed our hearts and souls with reckless abandon in the name of unhindered and complete love. Now we're left in the smoldering wreckage of our own lives picking out the pieces of what's left. It will never be that glorious window of stained glass, but more like a mosaic, fragmented, beautiful in it's own shattered patchwork.

Any other guy would have been fed up by now. And believe me, I've felt like that. But there is something very deeply rooted in my brain that will not allow me to ever let you go like that. I honestly believe with every ounce of my being that you're worth holding on to. I really wouldn't even want to live if I couldn't talk to you or hang out with you. That's probably the reason why I still want to live with you and everything. I want to spend every second with you whether we're going out or not because you're really the only person that fucking understands how much I hate being alive and having to deal with all of the shit it brings. You're the only person that makes me feel okay to be so awkward and strange. I know you don't want me to go away either. But I don't think you feel the same as me about this. I know it seems kind of ridiculous to be with someone and live with them for a long time who you're not dating, but if I could ask for one thing in this world it would be that without a doubt.

I have this wonderful feeling that we are on our way home.

how many asians is too much?

I actually had a good time this new year's eve. yess.

Trying to get into college has been the most disappointing and disenchanting experience of my entire life. I've never been more fed up with any other piece of shit institution this lovely country has to offer. That is all

In the winter it's the clouds
who steal our hearts.

They cover their sins beneath the snow
and hold our tongues with the bitter cold.

So we can't accuse them, or
anyone of anything.

Now we're just statues in a park,
Silently looking for our hearts again.

I will continue to have faith in you until the very end.

Oh, these cold winds
have brought down our home.
Oh, the home of our love,
it's foundation is all that's left.

Surely these winds can't harm that.

The home of our love will be rebuilt.